Sunday, December 5, 2010

Croissants and Dying Wishes

(Knock on wood) I think I'm in pretty good physical health at the moment and, barring any freak accidents or encounters with active murderers, I don't think my time is going to come any time soon. But, one can never be too prepared so I'm going to lay out my dying wishes for you on this chilly December Sunday. They include three major themes: memories, celebration and croissants.

I want someone that loves me to put together one of those slide shows of pictures from my life, sprinkling in some adorable childhood photos, like the one where i'm wearing pearls, an oxford shirt and holding a fake machine gun, and then only really good pictures of me now where I look skinny and I don't have a lopsided smile or a big nose. I want you to play it during my ceremony like in Love Actually and everyone has to cry really hard.

But then, halt the waterworks! After you've all shed a few tears, I want someone that loves me to rent out a hall or some sort of venue that can accommodate a deejay, a dance floor and an open bar. I'd like the signature cocktail to be a cucumber martini with Hendrick's gin in remembrance of me. I want everyone to loosen up and dance and talk about how awesome I was - but no more crying.

And lastly, please fill my coffin with fresh baked croissants from Blue Tierra chocolate cafe in South Boston. This dying wish came to me about twenty  minutes ago while I was eating one of those buttery, flakey, heavenly pastries. After finishing mine and pushing back the temptation to eat the croissant I got for Mike, since he was still sleeping and wouldn't know what he's missing, I stared at the stray flakes on my plate and decided I want to be rolled into croissant dough and baked when I die.

Then I sort of thought about that and realized a couple annoying things would have to happen. First, I'd have to be cremated and I really don't feel like being incinerated, even though, I know I know, I'll just rot in my coffin and that's pretty disgusting but hey, it's my body and I'll do what I want. Second, a loved one would have to bring my ashes to the cafe and ask the baker to use them in the croissant dough, most likely violating food safety requirements and ruining the taste of the croissant. So, I figured filling my coffin with the croissants will be good enough.

So, there you go! And a preemptive "thank you" to the loved ones that will one day fulfill my wishes, plus a "you're welcome" for the fun you'll have at my funeral party!


  1. Well, I won't be there, but I hope they remember the croissants for you! Carry you to the Next World, like the Egyptian Queens!

  2. they better or i'll haunt them and make all their food spoil!